Batneezer: The Creature From My Closet Read online

  P-Nan was not happy with me. She stomped her ghost feet and tried to pick up the bookshelf again. As she was growling and throwing a fit, Batneezer appeared.

  P-Nan took a few seconds to collect her thoughts. Once she was calm, she looked at me and smiled.

  Then she disappeared in a flash of light. I looked at Batneezer, and he shrugged. I told him that he could have saved everyone a bunch of trouble by just giving me a few inspirational magnets instead. He said, “Bat, humbug,” and instructed me to grab on to his waist. Batneezer pulled out a grappling gun and pointed it toward the ceiling.

  Whoosh! We shot up through the roof and into the dark sky. We zipped along the ghostly string until we were above my house.

  Batneezer dipped down through my window and dropped me onto my bed. He moved around my room in a huff and with clanking, and then as he left he once again used his exit as a chance to say something spooky:

  In a flash, he was gone and I was alone in the dark once more. I looked at the clock.

  If Batneezer was right, the next ghost would be showing up at two. I knew it was the middle of the night, but I was not going to go through all of this alone anymore. I put on some shorts and shoes and climbed through my window.

  CHAPTER 12

  RIGHTING A WRONG

  It wasn’t easy to wake Trevor. I had to tap on his window for almost five minutes before he finally popped up his tired head to see what was happening.

  Jack was way easier to get because he was still awake in his room, melting crayons with his assault flashlight and a magnifying glass.

  I didn’t want to wake my other friends. It’s not that I like Trevor and Jack more. It’s just that … well, I guess I do like Trevor and Jack more. I quickly told them about Batneezer and what had happened with P-Nan.

  I told them how P-Nan had gotten mad at me because I had some books I had never returned. Trevor actually had a useful idea.

  It was a good suggestion. I had never had a real conversation with Beardy, but his eyes could say a lot. He had to have some information. So we went back to my house, crawled in through my window as quietly as we could, and approached the infamous doorknob.

  Beardy didn’t say anything. I asked him a few more questions and begged him a few more times to please tell me what I needed to do. He shut his eyes. I was about to give up on him when I saw something poking out under the bottom of the closet door.

  I bent down and picked up two books—one was Pippi Longstocking, and the other was Nancy Drew. I had forgotten how long I had been throwing books into my closet. They both had CURRY ELEMENTARY stamped on the front page.

  We took the dark alleys behind the house and in no time worked our way to Curry Elementary. There was a library book deposit on the side of the building, so I slipped the books in.

  I turned my head and looked across the street toward Softrock Middle School. There was still one light on, and I could see Mr. Kerr’s camper in the center of the parking lot. I huddled up with my friends and filled them in on how I had seen Mr. Kerr talking on the phone and acting suspicious earlier in the night.

  We were all too curious to go home without investigating. Maybe it was the curiosity of Nancy Drew or the stubborn strength of Pippi, but I was up for finding out what was really going on. We crossed the street and approached our school. The front door was locked, so Jack suggested that we try to kick the doors down. Fortunately for us, someone had a better idea.

  All three of us screamed as Batneezer spoke from behind us. I grabbed Jack so he didn’t take off running, and we all stood staring at the ghost and trying to calm down. Once our heart rates were back to normal, I introduced them to Batneezer. Jack was the only one with a question.

  I told Batneezer that we had been returning the lost books before we came over to check on Mr. Kerr. Batneezer graciously offered to help us get inside. Trevor and I pinched a sleeve while Jack took hold of the chain. Batneezer then floated straight toward the front door and right through it! When we got inside, he led us down the hall, past the art room, and into our school library. Mr. Kerr was sitting in front of one of the old computers. He couldn’t see us. He was Skyping with a balding man with a big mouth.

  Trevor looked sick. He was a big fan of books, so hearing about them going away didn’t sit well with him. As we listened, I was feeling ill. Mr. Kerr was a fraud. He was supposed to remodel our library and bring in some new computers, but now he was talking about getting rid of all the real books.

  Jack reached out to smack Mr. Kerr in the back of the head, but his hand went right through him.

  I didn’t know what to do. It was obvious that Mr. Kerr was a crook and we had to stop him. But at the moment, we were just floating ghost kids, and he was a grown-up who had keys to the school and the trust of Principal Smelt.

  Jack was so bothered that he let go of the chain. Suddenly, he was visible again. He looked at Mr. Kerr and made an awkward yelp noise as he fell to the floor.

  Mr. Kerr jumped out of his seat and almost hit the ceiling in shock. Jack jumped up and took hold of Batneezer’s chain, becoming invisible once more.

  Mr. Kerr was sweaty and shaking. I was thinking about letting go myself so I could tie him up, but he looked so much stronger than me. Batneezer lifted his wrist and spoke into a small radio he had pulled from his belt.

  Batneezer took out his grappling gun and shot it up through the ceiling again.

  He ordered us to hold on tight and then we zipped up through the ceiling while Mr. Kerr was still looking around nervously and wondering about the surprise kid he had just seen. Trevor and Jack were both pretty happy about the whole flying thing.

  I did like the flying part, but I was more concerned about what Mr. Kerr was going to do and how I could stop him. I wasn’t scared, so I shut my eyes and tried to brainstorm.

  CHAPTER 13

  THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

  Batneezer dropped each of us off in our bedrooms. I was the last to be taken home. After he let go of me and before he faded, he said,

  He was not very good at exit lines. I knew I was tired, but there was no way I could actually sleep. I looked at the clock.

  I fell asleep for fourteen minutes, but at 2:04, something began tapping on my window. I was surprised that my alarm hadn’t gone off at 2:00. I mean, I didn’t set it, but it had been going off all night. I got up and moved to the window.

  I pulled back the curtains and there was … Trevor? He looked nervous.

  I looked to the right of Trevor as the something he was talking about stepped out from behind him and started to glow. I stared at the visitor in disbelief. It was probably the most obvious mash-up I had ever seen and definitely the most familiar.

  I loved Minecraft, and everyone under the sun played it. Now here was a part Creeper creeping in my front yard. The other part of the visitor resembled Greg Heffley from the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. I quickly climbed out the window and took a closer look. He was creepy in a good way, so it made sense to call him that. Creepy told us both to take his hands. I grabbed the cartoon-drawn hand and was more than just a little freaked out. I had read all the Wimpy Kid books. Even when I hated reading, they seemed easy and super funny. Now I was holding Greg’s hand.

  The three of us shot through the air like a beam of light, and in less than a second, we were standing inside my middle school library again. I looked around, wondering if Mr. Kerr was there. He wasn’t, just a lot of books.

  I knew what a library was. I had been using my school library way more often these days. Some of the books I had read so I could figure out more about the creatures that had come from my closet. And a couple of days ago at lunch, I had even come into the library to read the assigned language arts book. I told the spirit this, and he said,

  Creepy looked sad. I knew he was talking about Mr. Kerr and how he was going to take all the books away and replace them with lame computers. It made sense that part of him would be sad, but the other part of him should have been okay with what was
happening, because you can play Minecraft on some computers. When I mentioned this, he growled and there was a clicking noise that I recognized from playing the game. Now, right in front of me, there was a pixelated box of TNT.

  Creepy walked over to a shelf that was filled with books about Minecraft. Like P-Nan, he wanted me to see how important he was and that he wasn’t just a game. I wasn’t too surprised that there were Minecraft books, because I read some myself when I was trying to get better at gaming. Also, Trevor had a ton of them at his house.

  I picked a book off the shelf. It was one that I felt wouldn’t make anyone a better person. I showed it to Creepy and asked him if he thought it would work.

  He said it never hurts to be a little nicer. I told him that the wimpy part of him should probably read it, then. Creepy ignored me and went on and on about how spoiled Trevor and I were to have such an abundance of books to read. He also said it was extra important for me to be reading, because I was a writer. If I was writing down everything I was experiencing with the creatures from my closet, I had better fill my head with good examples. Because as he put it …

  Trevor started talking about how he was a writer too and how he was currently working on some fanfiction. His book was about what it would be like if R2-D2 was a real boy that looked just like him. Creepy tried to look interested, but finally he threw up his hands to stop Trevor.

  We grabbed ahold of Creepy. He took me and Trevor out through one of the school’s walls and toward the parking lot. We drifted over the pavement and into Mr. Kerr’s camper.

  Inside, Mr. Kerr was sitting at a small table looking over a bunch of papers. He was laughing to himself about how smart he was and how much money he was going to make by ripping off our school. I studied the papers on his desk closely.

  The blueprints for the new library were troubling. It didn’t look like there would be books anymore. It made me a little sad to think about a library without books. I had been so mad at the Gwinnster and books that I had forgotten what was important. My heart felt sick.

  I had asked the question with honest concern. He had answered with honest sarcasm. Sometimes Greg from Diary of a Wimpy Kid was snarky. Now, as he stood here mashed up with Creeper, his personality was still shining through. I needed answers.

  The creature told me everything I needed to know about building a sticky piston. He didn’t give me specific ways to stop Mr. Kerr, but agreed that he was a big fart that needed to be stomped out and also said that Mr. Kerr was like a man who had the personality of stinky cheese. When Creepy was finished talking at us, he reached out his hands and told us it was time for him to go. We didn’t want him to leave, but he insisted that …

  We took his hands, and with a loud hiss and a pop, I was back in my bed and Trevor was gone. Batneezer was floating at the end of the bed staring at me.

  Batneezer insisted that, in time, I would have all the answers I needed. I thought it would be way easier if he would just tell me the answers, but he insisted that he didn’t believe in charity. I then insisted that I had no idea what he was talking about. Batneezer didn’t try to explain; he just began to fade away and threw out another one of his dramatic and confusing exit lines.

  I was confused—not about the Batmobile’s gas mileage—I was confused because this night was lasting forever, and it was not the way I had planned it to go. I also was bummed because I would have liked to have a little more time with Creepy. I had a few more questions about Minecraft. I also wanted to know the answer to Trevor’s question about Fregley, but Creepy was gone and so was Batneezer. I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Then I looked in Beardy’s direction. It was dark, so I couldn’t see him. I thought about using my flashlight, but it must have rolled under my bed and it would take too much effort to get it. So I struck up a dark conversation with my doorknob.

  As I was talking to him and pouring out my tired heart, my alarm clock rang again.

  CHAPTER 14

  GETTING SERIOUS

  I hit my clock to stop the alarm and sat up anxiously. I had seen the Ghost of Books Past, the Ghost of Present-Day Books, and if the book was right, I was about to meet the Ghost of Books Yet to Come. I didn’t have to wonder long if it would happen.

  This new visitor wasn’t glowing like the others had. In my dark room, I couldn’t see him at all. I could only hear his deep voice.

  It was uncomfortable not being able to see him. But at least the dark hid the fact that I was shivering and nervous. I swallowed my fears and asked him where he would be taking me and how we would travel there. His answer was disappointing.

  The Ghost of Books Yet to Come told me to open my bedroom door and instructed me to go down the hall. I slowly walked past him. I still couldn’t clearly see who or what he was because the rest of the house was almost as dark as my room. I moved out into our family room and near the Christmas tree.

  The Ghost of Books Yet to Come informed me that my family couldn’t hear anything that was happening. He said that the sound and sight of ghosts was something only I and the people they wanted to bother could hear. I complained some more about the dark, and suddenly the Christmas tree lights began to glow. They lit up the room in a dull light, revealing a terrifying new spirit creature.

  Unholy spookony! I didn’t know whether I should scream or run. I thought about doing both, but I knew that this visitor would find me. I couldn’t see the ghost’s face, but he stood there towering over me! He motioned to the gifts beneath our Christmas tree. I saw he was pointing at a couple of presents with my name on them. They were gifts from my grandparents. I picked up one of them and knew instantly from the weight and feel that it was a book.

  My heart sank. I know it’s shallow of me to say this, but I don’t love getting books as gifts. Sure, books are great, I’ll admit that, but holiday gifts are for paintball guns and cell phones.

  The Ghost of Books Yet to Come took a few moments to lecture me about how important it was to be grateful for what you are given and to appreciate books like they should be appreciated. He was getting a little preachy, but I decided not to point that out because he still frightened me. He reached down and handed me the other book-shaped gift.

  The Ghost of Books Yet to Come shook his head.

  The ghost shook his head again. I begged him to tell me what they were, then. He pulled off his hood and said very dramatically,

  I let out a scream! It was one thing for me to read books that were funny and exciting, but nonfiction sort of scared me. When I thought of nonfiction I thought of books like …

  I looked at the Ghost of Books Yet to Come and tried to stop shaking. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. He was definitely nonfiction and scary looking. He was also super messed up. He had wild hair and a tall stovepipe hat. He had a beard and a half mustache and two uneven eyes. I had gotten pretty good about guessing what books inspired the creatures from my closet, but I wasn’t sure about this one. So I asked him outright. His answer didn’t help.

  I stared at him, racking my brain to figure out what the heck that meant. I guess he could see how confused I was, because he said,

  I was impressed. It was kinda cool to have parts of Abe and Albert in my house. I’m pretty sure they were a couple of the smartest people ever. So I gave them a really smart-sounding name: Abe-ert. I felt kind of uneasy about the whole situation and the heaviness of the night. I told Abe-ert that, but he just kept going on and on about energy and emancipation—two e words I needed to learn more about. He was super smart. I was about to sit down on the couch when Batneezer appeared to save the day.

  They argued for a few minutes before Abe-ert promised not to make fun of fiction if Batneezer would acknowledge the importance of nonfiction. Batneezer agreed, and the fighting stopped. I sighed in relief while we stood there looking at each other. Finally, I asked Batneezer what we were supposed to do next.

  What?! I had a small fit and reminded Batneezer about Mr. Kerr, and how he wanted to destroy our library, and how he had
to be stopped. I couldn’t allow him to do such a horrible thing to our school. Not when I had access to some pretty interesting ghosts. I needed the ghosts of books past, present, and future to help me scare Mr. Kerr away.

  I explained to Batneezer and Abe-ert what I wanted them to do and how things were going to go down. They liked the plan and disappeared in a flash. The tree lights snapped off as they left, leaving the living room dark. I felt my way back to my room and climbed out my window to fetch Trevor and Jack. I wasn’t sure if they would be of any help, but I knew they would at least want to witness what was about to happen.